Hi Kevin, I enjoyed your retelling, particularly how you incorporated the promise of a better life to come with the better apartment. Are you planning to include an introduction on the first page? So far it just says coming soon. It would be nice to add some more personality and give the reader an idea of what's going to be in the portfolio. I also think you could choose a different picture that might fit the story more. At least the first story feels more colorful and modern than dreamy like the picture. You could also add more illustrations to the story itself, since the top picture doesn't change. On a really detailed level, I think at one point you meant to say desperation or despair, not disparity. Also it was not initially unclear to me whether Adam or his car broke down. You might want to read through it again just for proof-reading, but the story itself was quite lively.
Hi Kevin, I really enjoyed your story. I could really feel Adam's sadness, his attempt to remain positive in the face of an almost constant beatdown from the universe, and his happiness when everything eventually worked out well. The idea of using luck rather than God, or some other outside force, was a good one, I thought. It makes it very relatable: everyone has had bad luck. Plus, there's no one to point to as a cause, so it almost feels worse! I think that adding some more illustrations to the story would be a really good way to break up the page, and help give the reader cues about where they are in the story. Also, pictures could help to 'modernize' the story, since it's a more contemporary variation of the Adam and Eve story. I do like the illustration that you have on the bottom, under the author's note, though. It's a good way to picture your source story. Overall, I really enjoyed this story!
Hi Kevin! Your idea for a modernized Adam and Eve story is very interesting. It flowed so well with your storytelling methods and I was very engaged within the story. The way you used "God" as the uncontrollable misfortunes and fortunes of Adam was very clever in my opinion. I wonder what happened to Eve after she got Adam evicted from the apartment though because in the Bible she is still with Adam. Maybe you could add a sentence or two about what Eve is up to now or maybe she had a bad day too. I feel like imagery in forms of pictures is what your site is lacking. Visual cues throughout the story can help along with the reading. Also, wouldn't an introduction page create a better starting point for readers? There you could give an overview to what the rest of your site and stories entail. You can give short and sweet teasers to each story, so you capture the reader. Overall, this was a great idea to the biblical Adam and Eve!
Hey Kevin! Honestly, I was so impressed with how you retold this! I did notice that the sentence “Adam was sad” seemed odd. Was he heartbroken about his girlfriend’s betrayal? Was he inconsolable because he lost this incredible apartment? Don’t be afraid to use a thesaurus (like thesaurus.com) to spice up your character’s life. This is one of my favorite ways to make my writing more descriptive. Also, I think many writers use italics instead of quotes to indicate a character’s thoughts. I’m not sure that there is a right or wrong way though. For “… similar to that of washing machine…” was there supposed to be an “a” in there somewhere? And I think “Adam and Even experienced hardships…” might’ve been a small typo as well. I noticed a few typos, but overall, I thought this was written really well! I would’ve loved to have seen some pictures throughout the reading to help depict what you’re describing. Your author’s note did a really nice job of explaining how and why you altered certain aspects of the original story. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future!
Hi Kevin! This was so creative and such a great modern twist on an old story. I like how you still incorporated aspects of the old story,such as the apartments name being eden and the apple. I also like how the story ended up being good. It was definitely a good take on this story. I wonder what happened to Eve in this story? I know he broke up with her, but where did she go? What if you would have describe this new luxury apartment more? How did it compare to Eden? Was Adam happy with it? Also, what is God would have had a role in this? How would it have changed the story? Or is the landlord supposed to be God? Anyway, maybe there could be more descriptions to lengthen the story and give readers a better picture of what is happening. This was really good and very creative. Great job and I cannot wait to read more.
Hi Kevin! I really like that you've taken such a well-known story that's been retold many times and made it your own. This modern, realistic version is fun to read and a very creative idea! If you're still looking to add anything, you could think about expanding on the "fall" - why did Adam's girlfriend eat the apple, and why was it forbidden in the first place? Why was Adam punished for this too? Did he eat an apple as in the original story? Also, I like that you made Adam's antagonist to be impersonal forces rather than God. In the original story, God punishes Adam and Eve after they've been exiled, and I got the feeling from your author's note that Adam's bad day was a parallel to the punishment in the original story, but with a force doing the punishing instead of God. Maybe you could make this parallel more obvious, if that is what you were going for. You could have Adam say something about being punished, so that it is clear that his bad day is a result of the exile and the uncontrollable force, rather than just random bad things happening to him. I look forward to reading more of your portfolio!
Hello, Kevin! First of all, your story was such a fresh and interesting take on such a well known story. To be honest, I didn't even put together that it was the story of Adam and Eve's banishment from Eden until you mentioned he referred to the apartment as Eden. How clever! In the story, I wondered if Adam had ever met his landlord and if there was any reason why the landlord was so strict on the no apple eating rule. Obviously in the original God did not want Adam and Eve to hold the knowledge from the fruit, but I wonder if the landlord ever explicitly stated why it was the only rule not to eat from the tree. I was also curious on what happened to the girlfriend, did he stop talking to her forever? Did she get in trouble with the law for stealing? Anyways, great work! I really enjoyed this story and thought that you did a phenomenal job of reinventing a classic story.
Wow, I really liked your story! That was one of the most creative takes on a biblical story that I have ever seen. I liked all of the detail and the modern emphasis that you incorporated into the story. I thought the whole story was very entertaining and there was never a dull moment. I especially liked the ending where things start to look up for Adam! That was a nice change of pace from the string of bad luck that he had encountered. I also thought it was really cool that you made luck the antagonist. I wonder what would have happened if Adam continued to be undergo more misfortune? Would he have wound up living on the street? You could change the ending if you wanted! There are so many possibilities with this one. I would just keep doing what you are doing. Overall, I really enjoyed this. You are doing a fantastic job!
Hello Kevin! Your take on Adam and Eve was very original. I like how Adam had an optimistic attitude throughout the story. He was kind and did not take his frustration out on anyone, which takes a lot of self control. Compared to the original Adam and Eve story, this is a lot less about the loss of innocence and more about keeping a positive outlook and being a good person. Your story about the Jackal was very good as well. The dialog flowed well. I am a little confused why the title referred to the Jackal as a trickster, when he was being more of a peace keeper in this story.
Hi Kevin! This is actually the first portfolio I have read, all the rest have been story books. I like the little blurb on your home page. They gave just enough detail about your story, without giving anything away! Your first story, Adam's Bad Day, was very creative! You did a great job of modernizing the story and adding your own spin to it. I liked the message your story had of how things can get better and that you never know how something is going to turn out. I liked your story of the Jackal, this story was one of the first stories I read when this class started. I too wrote a story using this story as my model. Your story incorporated a lot more dialogue than mine did and I think that makes your story more engaging! I also liked that you added in the Lion to the story! You accomplished your goal of making the Jackal genuine and the other characters more empathetic to the Braham. Aren't these trickster stories fun? You are doing a great job! One suggestion would be to add more photos to your stories for another visual aspect. I can't wait to see what else you write!
Hi Kevin, Just like Elizabeth mentioned, this is also the first portfolio I've read this semester! I've read so many projects, but I am so glad I got to read a portfolio for once. My favorite story is your first one, Adam's Bad Day. I didn't know what to expect until I began reading, and then it all clicked when I read your author's note. I think it's great that you've incorporated both dialogue and narrative to your story to make things interesting and keep readers engaged. Something that I like to do with my stories, is break up paragraphs with different text boxes, especially if they're different scenes or transferring to a different style of writing. For example, breaking up a paragraph that had dialogue from a paragraph that had narrative style writing. This puts breaks in the layout of your story, and just seems more visually appealing in my opinion. But, it is totally up to you! I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I hope I get the chance to visit your portfolio again before the end of the semester. Good luck with the rest of your semester!
Hi Kevin! I'm from the Indian Epics course, and I'm so glad I picked your portfolio! My favorite story was definitely Dog Almighty, as it was very humorous, insightful, and featured an adorable corgi. I like how all of your stories connected with religion in some way, referencing the Bible, a brahman, and Bruce Almighty. You have a unique way of storytelling, so I really enjoyed reading each of your stories. I liked the parallel of the first one to Biblical Adam, but more modern. It was very relatable and makes one think about life. Actually, each of your stories has a really in-depth theme that inspires one to ponder life. I hope this is a trend you continue in the rest of your portfolio. I have never read any of the original stories, but I could clearly see the inspiration you took from each of them. Keep up the great work!
I really liked all your stories! I’m focusing my commenting on Adam’s Bad Day, because that was my favorite! I think it is so great that you were able to bring the story into more modern times, but still keep the plot so close to the original. I like the direction you took with the universe kind of working against Adam, instead of it being a physical thing. I would be interested in hearing more about Eve if you are looking to expand this story. I think it would be cool to see what she is doing now, or if she had the same bad luck as Adam did following the whole apple picking fiasco. I think you made a really good choice in brightening up the ending so it wasn’t as “doom and gloom” as the original. Overall, I think you did a really great job with all of your stories!
Hi Kevin! First, I would like to say that I like the style and simplicity of your website. Although there’s not many features to it, it is to the point which I am a fan of. Also, I am just wondering if you are going to add an introduction to your site because I thought the whole portfolio was going to be about Adam at first. I like how modernized Adam and Eve and completely made the story your own. I think the most memorable part for me is the fact that there was a bright side at the end. I like that you made the last paragraph a silver lining. I think my biggest question is why did the landlord evict people for eating from his apple tree? I know that you are saying the landlord is God in this story, but I feel like you could have changed this. What if you made it to where Adam and Eve broke the rule of never playing Justin Bieber music in their apartment or something like that? It sounds absurd, but I feel like it would modernize the story even more which is what you were going for.
Hi Kevin, I had never read any of your Portfolio project until today, and I'm glad that I came across it! Your first story, Adam's Bad Day, was nice in that it had a very modern feel. Almost anyone could relate to relationship problems, a difficult financial situation, or a sense of having been betrayed by someone that care about. Also, probably everyone could relate to a day so horrible that simply nothing goes correctly. Putting the story of Adam and Eve into a modern setting was a good idea so that your audience can better relate to the characters and their feelings. I liked the parallels between Adam and Eve and your tale, and I realized which story had inspired you when I got to the part about eating off of the landlord's forbidden apple tree. Good job on this! It is always nice when I can tell where a person's inspiration is coming from.
Hey Kevin! I appreciated your modern twist on Adam and Eve! It wasn't as subtle as I thought it would be but it worked out in the end. There was only one major thing I would edit in this story: In your last paragraph, you start and end your first sentence with "in the end." I would pick one and get rid of the other! And, if you have time, I want to know more about the crazy ex-girlfriend. Was he tired of her before she pulled the stunt? Why didn't you have the two of them stick together like in the original story?
In "The Trickster Jackal" I think you could condense the tail end of your first paragraph and not start so many sentences with "The Jackal." I think this would make the story flow better.
Aww!! I love the corgi story and all your little details! Great job!
In your "A Trip with Hank" story, I think you mean "with all my riches" instead of "despite my riches." I loved how you incorporated well known Tom Hanks into Sinbad's story! Well done!
Hey Kevin, Your portfolio was great! I enjoyed reading your stories. My personal favorite was the Trickster Jackal because I had read the same story earlier in the semester and had an idea to write a story about it but I ended up finding another one to write about. I really enjoyed the way that you changed the story up and had more dialogue from the characters and that you made the ending so the tiger was not trapped in a cage again but instead he was shamed for what he had done. That was a great story and I liked how your theme accented your stories. There was a lot of color popping out and it matched the style of your writing. Anyways, thanks for sharing your portfolio and i hope you have a great rest of your semester with little stress. Good luck on your finals!
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your retelling, particularly how you incorporated the promise of a better life to come with the better apartment.
Are you planning to include an introduction on the first page? So far it just says coming soon. It would be nice to add some more personality and give the reader an idea of what's going to be in the portfolio. I also think you could choose a different picture that might fit the story more. At least the first story feels more colorful and modern than dreamy like the picture. You could also add more illustrations to the story itself, since the top picture doesn't change.
On a really detailed level, I think at one point you meant to say desperation or despair, not disparity. Also it was not initially unclear to me whether Adam or his car broke down. You might want to read through it again just for proof-reading, but the story itself was quite lively.
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I could really feel Adam's sadness, his attempt to remain positive in the face of an almost constant beatdown from the universe, and his happiness when everything eventually worked out well. The idea of using luck rather than God, or some other outside force, was a good one, I thought. It makes it very relatable: everyone has had bad luck. Plus, there's no one to point to as a cause, so it almost feels worse! I think that adding some more illustrations to the story would be a really good way to break up the page, and help give the reader cues about where they are in the story. Also, pictures could help to 'modernize' the story, since it's a more contemporary variation of the Adam and Eve story. I do like the illustration that you have on the bottom, under the author's note, though. It's a good way to picture your source story. Overall, I really enjoyed this story!
Hi Kevin!
ReplyDeleteYour idea for a modernized Adam and Eve story is very interesting. It flowed so well with your storytelling methods and I was very engaged within the story. The way you used "God" as the uncontrollable misfortunes and fortunes of Adam was very clever in my opinion. I wonder what happened to Eve after she got Adam evicted from the apartment though because in the Bible she is still with Adam. Maybe you could add a sentence or two about what Eve is up to now or maybe she had a bad day too. I feel like imagery in forms of pictures is what your site is lacking. Visual cues throughout the story can help along with the reading. Also, wouldn't an introduction page create a better starting point for readers? There you could give an overview to what the rest of your site and stories entail. You can give short and sweet teasers to each story, so you capture the reader. Overall, this was a great idea to the biblical Adam and Eve!
Hey Kevin! Honestly, I was so impressed with how you retold this! I did notice that the sentence “Adam was sad” seemed odd. Was he heartbroken about his girlfriend’s betrayal? Was he inconsolable because he lost this incredible apartment? Don’t be afraid to use a thesaurus (like thesaurus.com) to spice up your character’s life. This is one of my favorite ways to make my writing more descriptive. Also, I think many writers use italics instead of quotes to indicate a character’s thoughts. I’m not sure that there is a right or wrong way though. For “… similar to that of washing machine…” was there supposed to be an “a” in there somewhere? And I think “Adam and Even experienced hardships…” might’ve been a small typo as well. I noticed a few typos, but overall, I thought this was written really well! I would’ve loved to have seen some pictures throughout the reading to help depict what you’re describing. Your author’s note did a really nice job of explaining how and why you altered certain aspects of the original story. I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future!
ReplyDeleteHi Kevin! This was so creative and such a great modern twist on an old story. I like how you still incorporated aspects of the old story,such as the apartments name being eden and the apple. I also like how the story ended up being good. It was definitely a good take on this story. I wonder what happened to Eve in this story? I know he broke up with her, but where did she go? What if you would have describe this new luxury apartment more? How did it compare to Eden? Was Adam happy with it? Also, what is God would have had a role in this? How would it have changed the story? Or is the landlord supposed to be God? Anyway, maybe there could be more descriptions to lengthen the story and give readers a better picture of what is happening. This was really good and very creative. Great job and I cannot wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteHi Kevin!
ReplyDeleteI really like that you've taken such a well-known story that's been retold many times and made it your own. This modern, realistic version is fun to read and a very creative idea! If you're still looking to add anything, you could think about expanding on the "fall" - why did Adam's girlfriend eat the apple, and why was it forbidden in the first place? Why was Adam punished for this too? Did he eat an apple as in the original story? Also, I like that you made Adam's antagonist to be impersonal forces rather than God. In the original story, God punishes Adam and Eve after they've been exiled, and I got the feeling from your author's note that Adam's bad day was a parallel to the punishment in the original story, but with a force doing the punishing instead of God. Maybe you could make this parallel more obvious, if that is what you were going for. You could have Adam say something about being punished, so that it is clear that his bad day is a result of the exile and the uncontrollable force, rather than just random bad things happening to him. I look forward to reading more of your portfolio!
Hello, Kevin!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your story was such a fresh and interesting take on such a well known story. To be honest, I didn't even put together that it was the story of Adam and Eve's banishment from Eden until you mentioned he referred to the apartment as Eden. How clever!
In the story, I wondered if Adam had ever met his landlord and if there was any reason why the landlord was so strict on the no apple eating rule. Obviously in the original God did not want Adam and Eve to hold the knowledge from the fruit, but I wonder if the landlord ever explicitly stated why it was the only rule not to eat from the tree.
I was also curious on what happened to the girlfriend, did he stop talking to her forever? Did she get in trouble with the law for stealing?
Anyways, great work! I really enjoyed this story and thought that you did a phenomenal job of reinventing a classic story.
Hey there, Kevin!
ReplyDeleteWow, I really liked your story! That was one of the most creative takes on a biblical story that I have ever seen. I liked all of the detail and the modern emphasis that you incorporated into the story. I thought the whole story was very entertaining and there was never a dull moment. I especially liked the ending where things start to look up for Adam! That was a nice change of pace from the string of bad luck that he had encountered. I also thought it was really cool that you made luck the antagonist. I wonder what would have happened if Adam continued to be undergo more misfortune? Would he have wound up living on the street? You could change the ending if you wanted! There are so many possibilities with this one. I would just keep doing what you are doing. Overall, I really enjoyed this. You are doing a fantastic job!
Hello Kevin!
ReplyDeleteYour take on Adam and Eve was very original. I like how Adam had an optimistic attitude throughout the story. He was kind and did not take his frustration out on anyone, which takes a lot of self control. Compared to the original Adam and Eve story, this is a lot less about the loss of innocence and more about keeping a positive outlook and being a good person.
Your story about the Jackal was very good as well. The dialog flowed well. I am a little confused why the title referred to the Jackal as a trickster, when he was being more of a peace keeper in this story.
Hi Kevin!
ReplyDeleteThis is actually the first portfolio I have read, all the rest have been story books. I like the little blurb on your home page. They gave just enough detail about your story, without giving anything away!
Your first story, Adam's Bad Day, was very creative! You did a great job of modernizing the story and adding your own spin to it. I liked the message your story had of how things can get better and that you never know how something is going to turn out.
I liked your story of the Jackal, this story was one of the first stories I read when this class started. I too wrote a story using this story as my model. Your story incorporated a lot more dialogue than mine did and I think that makes your story more engaging! I also liked that you added in the Lion to the story! You accomplished your goal of making the Jackal genuine and the other characters more empathetic to the Braham. Aren't these trickster stories fun? You are doing a great job! One suggestion would be to add more photos to your stories for another visual aspect. I can't wait to see what else you write!
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteJust like Elizabeth mentioned, this is also the first portfolio I've read this semester! I've read so many projects, but I am so glad I got to read a portfolio for once. My favorite story is your first one, Adam's Bad Day. I didn't know what to expect until I began reading, and then it all clicked when I read your author's note. I think it's great that you've incorporated both dialogue and narrative to your story to make things interesting and keep readers engaged. Something that I like to do with my stories, is break up paragraphs with different text boxes, especially if they're different scenes or transferring to a different style of writing. For example, breaking up a paragraph that had dialogue from a paragraph that had narrative style writing. This puts breaks in the layout of your story, and just seems more visually appealing in my opinion. But, it is totally up to you! I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I hope I get the chance to visit your portfolio again before the end of the semester. Good luck with the rest of your semester!
Hi Kevin! I'm from the Indian Epics course, and I'm so glad I picked your portfolio! My favorite story was definitely Dog Almighty, as it was very humorous, insightful, and featured an adorable corgi. I like how all of your stories connected with religion in some way, referencing the Bible, a brahman, and Bruce Almighty. You have a unique way of storytelling, so I really enjoyed reading each of your stories. I liked the parallel of the first one to Biblical Adam, but more modern. It was very relatable and makes one think about life. Actually, each of your stories has a really in-depth theme that inspires one to ponder life. I hope this is a trend you continue in the rest of your portfolio. I have never read any of the original stories, but I could clearly see the inspiration you took from each of them. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteKevin
ReplyDeleteI really liked all your stories! I’m focusing my commenting on Adam’s Bad Day, because that was my favorite! I think it is so great that you were able to bring the story into more modern times, but still keep the plot so close to the original. I like the direction you took with the universe kind of working against Adam, instead of it being a physical thing. I would be interested in hearing more about Eve if you are looking to expand this story. I think it would be cool to see what she is doing now, or if she had the same bad luck as Adam did following the whole apple picking fiasco. I think you made a really good choice in brightening up the ending so it wasn’t as “doom and gloom” as the original. Overall, I think you did a really great job with all of your stories!
Hi Kevin! First, I would like to say that I like the style and simplicity of your website. Although there’s not many features to it, it is to the point which I am a fan of. Also, I am just wondering if you are going to add an introduction to your site because I thought the whole portfolio was going to be about Adam at first. I like how modernized Adam and Eve and completely made the story your own. I think the most memorable part for me is the fact that there was a bright side at the end. I like that you made the last paragraph a silver lining. I think my biggest question is why did the landlord evict people for eating from his apple tree? I know that you are saying the landlord is God in this story, but I feel like you could have changed this. What if you made it to where Adam and Eve broke the rule of never playing Justin Bieber music in their apartment or something like that? It sounds absurd, but I feel like it would modernize the story even more which is what you were going for.
ReplyDeleteHi Kevin, I had never read any of your Portfolio project until today, and I'm glad that I came across it! Your first story, Adam's Bad Day, was nice in that it had a very modern feel. Almost anyone could relate to relationship problems, a difficult financial situation, or a sense of having been betrayed by someone that care about. Also, probably everyone could relate to a day so horrible that simply nothing goes correctly. Putting the story of Adam and Eve into a modern setting was a good idea so that your audience can better relate to the characters and their feelings. I liked the parallels between Adam and Eve and your tale, and I realized which story had inspired you when I got to the part about eating off of the landlord's forbidden apple tree. Good job on this! It is always nice when I can tell where a person's inspiration is coming from.
ReplyDeleteHey Kevin!
ReplyDeleteI appreciated your modern twist on Adam and Eve! It wasn't as subtle as I thought it would be but it worked out in the end. There was only one major thing I would edit in this story:
In your last paragraph, you start and end your first sentence with "in the end." I would pick one and get rid of the other! And, if you have time, I want to know more about the crazy ex-girlfriend. Was he tired of her before she pulled the stunt? Why didn't you have the two of them stick together like in the original story?
In "The Trickster Jackal" I think you could condense the tail end of your first paragraph and not start so many sentences with "The Jackal." I think this would make the story flow better.
Aww!! I love the corgi story and all your little details! Great job!
In your "A Trip with Hank" story, I think you mean "with all my riches" instead of "despite my riches."
I loved how you incorporated well known Tom Hanks into Sinbad's story! Well done!
Hey Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYour portfolio was great! I enjoyed reading your stories. My personal favorite was the Trickster Jackal because I had read the same story earlier in the semester and had an idea to write a story about it but I ended up finding another one to write about. I really enjoyed the way that you changed the story up and had more dialogue from the characters and that you made the ending so the tiger was not trapped in a cage again but instead he was shamed for what he had done. That was a great story and I liked how your theme accented your stories. There was a lot of color popping out and it matched the style of your writing. Anyways, thanks for sharing your portfolio and i hope you have a great rest of your semester with little stress. Good luck on your finals!